My Korean adventure, part one. Fear.

I vividly remember the first time.  I was 6 or 7 years old when my mom was invited by a family friend to fly in his airplane.   It was a small 4-seater, maybe a  Cessna.  What I remember most was that I had just eaten a peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich washed down with a grape Shasta soda.  Why do I remember what I ate before the plane ride?  Because it ended up on my lap after the pilot banked to the left then right.  Flying was ruined.  It would never be enjoyable.

While in college, my sister and I drove to Chicago.  On the way home the car broke down and we had to fly back.  Remembering my earlier experience, I did not eat before the flight.  Good thing, too, because I had to fly in one of those teeny tiny, cram-packed 50-seat planes from St.Louis, Missouri to Dallas, Texas.  I did okay until the landing.  As soon as the plane began its descent, my pulse began to race, I began to sweat, my stomach churned, and dry heaves commenced.  The poor man sitting next to me wanted to get far away.  Luckily for him, my stomach was empty.

During the 2-hour layover in Dallas I broke down and ate.  Big mistake.  Once again, upon descent, my stomach gave up its contents.  Soon after, I discovered over-the-counter motion sickness remedies.  On subsequent flights over the years, this helped with the vomiting, but not with the emotions that lingered.  I now had a full-fledge fear, disdain, anxiety with the mere mention of airplane, airports, flying.  All those movies about crashes and the real ones on the news did not help the matter.

After a move to New York, the anxiety increased to include crowds.  Well, it had been there for a while but the move made it worse.   You see, I'm short.  Put a short person in a crowd and it feels like an ant in the middle of a herd of elephants.  Shopping malls, concerts, and theme parks make me very anxious and I have had a few panic attacks.  I'm always in search of the nearest exit.

So, while in New York, I accidentally stumbled upon a gay pride parade on Halloween.  It was not fun.      Caught in the crowd, I could not get to the subway station which was less than a block away.  The mass of people swayed back and forth and I was caught up in it like a toy boat in the ocean, or as if I was caught in a rip current.  Fighting the crowd, after two hours, I made it to the subway.   My crowd anxiety/phobia was fully in place.

Prayer, deep breathing, arriving early, scoping out the exits, drugs...don't help all that much.

So why, do you ask, am I going to Korea!?

Stay tuned.

In My Head, second story

"In My Head" this time is a completely unrealistic dream. Erin is afraid to fly. She would rather drive fourteen hours anywhere than drive to an airport. She befriends a man who owns a biplane. It is one of those old two-seaters you see in old movies where the pilot wears big round goggles, a leather helmet, and a long white scarf. He convinces Erin to take a ride in his airplane by promising her that she was in good hands. He was a very experienced pilot who had never had an accident. Even though Erin is apprehensive, nervous - afraid, she reluctantly agreed to go on a short ride. The pilot showed Erin every inch of the vintage airplane, from the propeller to the tail flaps. He then dressed her in the necessary leather helmet and goggles. As the engine revs, Erin gripped her seat tightly and tries keep from hyperventilating. The plane bounced down the runway then lifts off into the clear blue sky. Erin wanted to scream and throw up, however the blue sky and view of the landscape distracted her. She settled into her seat, relaxed a bit as the pilot lifts them higher into the sky. "Wanna do some tricks?" yelled the pilot over his shoulder. Erin objected vehemently, however, the pilot insists she must get the full experience of flight by doing a spin, a loop de loop, and other tricks. Reluctantly, Erin gave in. She tightened her seat belt, gets a death grip on her seat, and waited for the pilot to scare the life out her. The pilot sped up and did one spin on the plane's axis while Erin held her breath. She exhaled a few seconds after the plane stabilized. The pilot looked over his shoulder at her, gave a thumbs up, then drew a circular motion with his finger. Erin grimaced while her stomach turned a flip. Part of her wanted to demand the pilot to land. Another part, the 1% foolish part, wanted to stay and enjoy the scenery. The land disappeared as the plane turned skyward. Erin felt her heart stop beating briefly, then begin to pound loudly in her chest. She looked around at the sky. It was a beautiful bright blue. In the distance she saw what looked like another plane, but brushed the thought away...probably just a bird. A scream escaped her lips as the plane began its backwards turn. She looked around to try to get her bearings. Erin found the ground then sees it. Before being able to process what her eyes were glued to, Erin felt her body being sucked out of the biplane. She screamed and tried to reach down to grab the seatbelt. It tore away from the seat. Suddenly, Erin was free-falling towards the earth. Somehow, Erin managed to position herself face and abdomen facing the earth, arms and legs outstretched, like Superman. Thud!! Within seconds of her free flight, with her eyes shut tight, she landed on the wing of a 747 jumbo jet. As her hands grasped the edge of the wing she felt a searing pain in her face, hands, and throughout her entire body. With her eyes still shut tight she thought, "did I just hit the ground and live?" Painfully, Erin turned her head to the left and opened her eyes only to be face to face with a woman screaming through a small window. Several other people gather at the window to stare at her. "Oh my God," Erin exclaimed to herself. "I've landed on a plane!! What do I do now?" The people in the window point and yell. Were they trying to tell her something? Someone pressed a piece of paper to the window - "hold on, we're going to land ASAP." "Oh, sure. They're going to land," Erin moaned, "but I'm going to die." She turned her head, painfully, back to facing the wing and prepared herself to die. Her fingers are locked onto the airplane wing and she doesn't move even though she feels the force of the atmosphere pressing against her body. Erin's ears pop as the plane begins its descent. She knees as soon as it turned she would be sucked off the wing so she took a deep and painful breath and waited. Gradually, after what seemed like an eternity, Erin feels the plane slow even more. She looked to her right, with her eyes, and sees the earth. Trees, buildings. Erin tried to look left. The people in the window were still staring at her. A moment later she felt a small bump and instantly felt searing pain in her hands. "Are we on the ground?" she wondered. Sounds began to fill and hurt her head. Sirens, shouting, squealing breaks. Then voices shouting orders. "You're on the ground, miss! You made it!" Erin tried to speak but couldn't. The pain in her body became more evident. Her fingers were burning. "Try to let go, miss," he said, touching her hand. Erin let out a barely audible scream. "She can't move," the man said. "Try gently prying them off." "They'll break." "Probably already are. We got to get her down immediately," was the last thing Erin heard before blacking out. Muffled voices brought Erin out of her coma. She is unable to move any part of her body or open her eyes. "Uh, uh," she tried to speak but is unable. Her throat feels heavy. "Doctor, she's coming out of it." "Squeeze your eyes if you hear me," said a male voice. Erin squeezed her eyes and tried to open them but they were too heavy. She then tried to move her head, her fingers, her toes. Nothing moved. "She's coming around. Miss, If you can hear me squeeze your eyes again. Good. You're in the hospital. You had an accident and broke many bones, internal injuries. You have been in a coma for quite some time. Squeeze your eyes if you understand. Good. Don't try to speak. You've been intubated. When you're fully conscious we can take it out. Try to rest. I'll be back to check on you." Erin took a deep breath then fell back to sleep. Sometime later, when hearing voices in her room, Erin opened her eyes. Still unable to move, she looked around. Erin saw that her arms and fingers were held together with metal rods and wires that were sticking through her skin. A metal frame supported her torso and her legs were in casts. "I may as well be dead," thought Erin. "I'm completely broken." "Good morning," said a nurse. "I'll alert the doctor to see if we can get you extubated." Minutes later, the doctor arrived and the tubes were removed. A nurse had Erin sip some water from a straw. "Welcome back," said the elderly doctor with a broad smile. "What happened?" asked Erin. ....more next post....