My Korean adventure, part one. Fear.

I vividly remember the first time.  I was 6 or 7 years old when my mom was invited by a family friend to fly in his airplane.   It was a small 4-seater, maybe a  Cessna.  What I remember most was that I had just eaten a peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich washed down with a grape Shasta soda.  Why do I remember what I ate before the plane ride?  Because it ended up on my lap after the pilot banked to the left then right.  Flying was ruined.  It would never be enjoyable.

While in college, my sister and I drove to Chicago.  On the way home the car broke down and we had to fly back.  Remembering my earlier experience, I did not eat before the flight.  Good thing, too, because I had to fly in one of those teeny tiny, cram-packed 50-seat planes from St.Louis, Missouri to Dallas, Texas.  I did okay until the landing.  As soon as the plane began its descent, my pulse began to race, I began to sweat, my stomach churned, and dry heaves commenced.  The poor man sitting next to me wanted to get far away.  Luckily for him, my stomach was empty.

During the 2-hour layover in Dallas I broke down and ate.  Big mistake.  Once again, upon descent, my stomach gave up its contents.  Soon after, I discovered over-the-counter motion sickness remedies.  On subsequent flights over the years, this helped with the vomiting, but not with the emotions that lingered.  I now had a full-fledge fear, disdain, anxiety with the mere mention of airplane, airports, flying.  All those movies about crashes and the real ones on the news did not help the matter.

After a move to New York, the anxiety increased to include crowds.  Well, it had been there for a while but the move made it worse.   You see, I'm short.  Put a short person in a crowd and it feels like an ant in the middle of a herd of elephants.  Shopping malls, concerts, and theme parks make me very anxious and I have had a few panic attacks.  I'm always in search of the nearest exit.

So, while in New York, I accidentally stumbled upon a gay pride parade on Halloween.  It was not fun.      Caught in the crowd, I could not get to the subway station which was less than a block away.  The mass of people swayed back and forth and I was caught up in it like a toy boat in the ocean, or as if I was caught in a rip current.  Fighting the crowd, after two hours, I made it to the subway.   My crowd anxiety/phobia was fully in place.

Prayer, deep breathing, arriving early, scoping out the exits, drugs...don't help all that much.

So why, do you ask, am I going to Korea!?

Stay tuned.