Share your pain

Sunday's lesson by Cary Hadley at Church of Christ of West Orange was a subject of much debate so I decided to share it with all of you.  


Why does God allow pain?  
1. God has given us free will ( Genesis 1:27 So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.)  

We are created in God's image.  God is free to make choices and so are we.  He didn't create unthinking robots. 

2. God uses pain to get our attention. (Proverbs 20:30 Blows and wounds scrub away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being. 2 Corinthians 7:9 yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us.)  

God does not cause our pain, he uses it.

3.  God uses pain to teach us to depend on Him  (2 Corinthians 1:8-9 ⁸ We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters,^[a] about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. ⁹ Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.)  

4. God allows pain to give us a ministry to others (2 Corinthians 1:4 ³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.)

So, in summary, God allows pain because we have free will (to make good as well as bad choices), to get our attention, to depend on Him and to give us a ministry to help others.

Have you ever thought, "No one understands what I'm going through? I'm the only who has ever felt/done/thought/experienced what I have."  The truth is, you are not alone.  There is nothing in this world that has not been experienced by at least one other person.  We, as Christians, should and I believe are told outright as in the above scriptures, SHARE our pain.  After all, I have been forgiven of my sins, my pains, my bad choices and I want you to experience the same relief and joy that comes with forgiveness that I have.  

Sharing my pain is exactly what I did when I wrote, "Lessons Learned at Summer Camp".   I was hurting and needed to tell my story.  I'm not good at verbalizing in person, and the story was too long.  Therefore, I wrote it down and decided to share it with the world.   

The following is a short excerpt.   If you'd like to read the book in entirety, it is available on Amazon and Smashwords.  I'll be more than happy to gift the book to you through Smashwords.  

LESSONS: 

“I met my first real boyfriend when I was 15.  Danielle had 2 daughters.  I babysat them quite often.  In the summertime I would spent a lot of time at their house babysitting or just hanging out with the girls at the neighborhood pool.  My mother trusted Danielle, she went to our church, so I was allowed to go over to her house anytime and even spend the night.  The summer I turned 15 the pool got a new lifeguard.  He was the cousin of my friend, who was also a lifeguard at the pool.  He was at least 18, from California, and very tanned and muscular.  Being 15, I was ‘in love’.  He being older and wiser, told me he was infatuated with me.”

“What’s that mean?” asked Keri.

“He wanted her for her body,” answered Joey.

“My first sexual encounter was with him,”  Angel nodded.  “I didn’t know anything about him, but I liked the attention, liked the way he made me feel.  First there was then ‘innocent’ flirting that led to touching and kissing in the pool, after hours and at night.  I liked it.  I had never been paid attention to by the boys in school. I had never dated anyone in school, not that I was old enough in the first place.  I always thought I was ugly, not the type to be popular or even noticed by anyone, much less boys.  So, here was this boy, this nearly man not only paying attention to me but being sexually attracted to me.  I didn’t once stop to think, I am doing the right thing, should we be doing this?  Good golly no!  A boy was kissing me!  I had never been kissed before.  How could I possibly think about anything else?”

At this point, the girls moved in a little closer, sat up in their beds and stared at Angel intently.  She had their attention.  Even the girls in the adjacent set of dorm rooms and their counselors were hovering by the adjoining door.   She took a deep breath, thought to herself, “Help me God,” waved for the new listeners to come in then continued.

“On our first real date, we went to dinner, then to his apartment.  My mother gave me permission to go out with him.  She liked him.  Who wouldn’t, he was cute and polite!  What was she thinking? I was only 15 years old.  While we were kissing, at his apartment, on his bed, he asked me if I was a virgin.  I was embarrassed to say yes, but I did say yes.  To his credit, he said, ‘Then we can’t have sex.  You’re underage.”  I was relieved.  Disappointed in a way, but relieved.”

“He could have been charged with statutory rape,” exclaimed Ana.

“Probably,” Angel continued.   “However, that didn’t stop him, or me, from doing just about everything else.  Oral sex is sex.  I lot of kids don’t think so, but it is and 15-year-olds shouldn’t be doing it.  I did. I had never been told no, that it was wrong.  I didn’t even know what oral sex was.  I was told you can’t have sex, and to me sex was intercourse.  I liked it.  This was more attention than I had gotten up to this point in all the 15 years I had lived.   I was absolutely terrified of all of the feelings going through my body, but I liked it.”

“You were scared?” asked Keri.

“Very. I had no idea what was going on.  He was doing things to my body I didn’t know existed.  My mother had never talked to me about sex.  My friends at school didn’t talk about sex, not that they knew the facts.  I think I laid as still as a statue and didn’t move or say anything the whole time.  It never happened again.  A few months later, he moved back to California.  I was devastated.  He didn’t tell me he was leaving.  Suddenly, he was just gone.  He didn’t call.  He didn’t answer his phone.  He wasn’t home.  No one knew where he was until he called his cousin, my friend, and she told me.  My first love, my first broken heart, my lost innocence – at the age of 15.”

“Jerk,” scowled Joey.

“You’re lucky the dude didn’t give you a disease,” stated Eva flatly.

“I started a new high school in the 10^th grade.  A magnet school for the arts.  I almost fit in.  I actually did, but I still felt like I didn’t belong.  Everyone was different.  Singers, musicians, actors, dancers, artists.  We were all free to express ourselves.  The people who were made fun of in traditional high schools flourished at this school.  We were all accepted for who we were, not made to fit a mold.  I learned about homosexuality at that school.  One of my best friends was a drag queen.  I, however, was still a shy little girl with no self-confidence.  I still wore the mask even in a place where masks were not needed.  I thought I was a good dancer.  Dancing was freeing, liberating at my dance studio.  At this new school, however, everyone was better than me, lots better.  I was intimidated.  Mask on.”

“What does that mean – mask?” asked one of the girls in the doorway.

“It means I was pretending, projecting an imaging, not letting people know who I really was.  Have you ever gone to school or to church mad at the world, just had a fight with your parents, and a friend says ‘Hey how you doing?’ and you answer, ‘Fine,’ with a smile on your face? That is putting on your mask.” the girls nodded, understanding. 

The Homeless Interviews #14

If one were to take a slice of any population you would find people of high intelligence and low intelligence, people with mental illness and those without.  The same can be said for the homeless population. Case in point, Carl and now "Fred".  Fred, to me is pretty much the polar opposite of Carl.  The only thing they have in common is their homelessness.

 

*** Tell me about your childhood. 

I was born in Tambohol New York, upstate NY somewhere.  I think. I'm not sure. That was 39 years ago.  I don't remember where that was. My parents, they were alright.  Right now I'm just trying to get to see my mom.  She is up in Virginia.  I don't care where my dad is.  Me and him ain't gettin along, so...  

 

*** What was life like when you were little?

Working all the time. Doing everything, you know.  We kept moving around.  I had to quit school because I was working.  That was back in 1988.  I moved here in '95, to Florida. And since then I've been on my own. 

*** Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Yeah. They are all in Virginia.  Other than that, that's my life. In a nut shell.   

*** What did you/do you do for work?

I was pulling telephone cable.  Now I'm doing construction.  I was working in a bar doing security.  I do everything.   Maintainence, pressure washing, everything.  So. That's everything. But right now I am working three jobs. 7 days a week.  

*** Where do you live now?

On the street. 

*** How old were you when you started living on the streets?

Around 37  or  38.  ( can you tell me how it happened) I don't remember how it happened.   I was working at Disney then I hurt my shoulder there. I got fired from there.   Then, I went home one night and my aunt told me to get out.  I was staying with my aunt for a little while.  Since then I ain't talked to them.  I went in the woods.  Laid  where I could.  Since then I've been homeless.  That's been about it.  

*** Do see a future with you getting off the streets?

Nah.  I ain't goin to get off the streets. It saves me money that way. I ain't got no light bill. I got no rent.  I got nothing.   

*** So, you have job, you have income... Are you content, happy?

Pretty much. Yeah.  

*** Do you feel safe where you are living?

Oh yeah.  See I remodel houses for these guys.  I got two of them that works with me that stays there with me.  Other than that...

*** So you live with a group?

Yeah. A few other people.  Other than that, that's it.  

( I didn't need to ask him about church because Robert attends my church.  I see him pretty much every time I am there. He comes early, helps out with events. If he doesn't come, someone goes to look for him.)

*** What are the guys like that you live with?

They alright.  I work with them every day.  

*** How did you get involved ( with the shelter)? I had to stay outside. I was homeless so I just come up here one day. The people, the volunteeers here, they came around and invited me over to church and I been doin it ever since.  I don't know why, but I do.  Now I can't leave it. I love it.  (he laughs) I was going up in N. Carolina. I was going to church of God for a little while (in a city a little ways a way). But it was far and hard to get a ride every morning.   When I was working at the bar here I was still coming to church but I wasn't getting off work until 4 in the morning. I don't know how I made it to church.  (he laughs) but I done it. 

*** You are the first I've talked to who does not want to get out of the woods.  Are there others or is it just you? 

Just me.  That I know of. I can't afford rent. I cannot afford this, I cannot afford that.  The three jobs are kinda the same.  I help out. You get 20$ here, 20$ there.  That's

Not enough to do nothing with.

*** So if you were making enough?

Yeah if I was making enough I'd have my own place right now.  

*** It's not that you don't want to, it's you cannot afford it.

Uh huh.  Right now we been staying in houses we been remodeling, with no water and all that.  Out of the woods.  To see what it's like to have a home.  

*** What do you do when it's rainy or really cold?

Cover up with about 50 blankets.  Try to stay out of the rain.   

*** Tell me about a typical day. 

Work.  I work 7 days a week.  Other than that.  It's just like a typical day of the week. I gets me by. 

*** What do you think about the future? Do you think about it at all?

No.  When the time comes it comes.  I don't know where I'll be the next day. I might be out of town working.   I don't think like that. I don't think ahead cause normally it don't come true.  But other than that, It don't bother me much.   

*** Do you see a lot of drug and alcohol abuse of guys in the woods?

Oh yeah.  Yep I sure do. 

*** Do you think they, including yourself, are there because of it?

Probably got something to do with it.  I can't stop drinking.  I'm thinking about a beer right now.   

*** Do you consider yourself an alcoholic?

Yeah.  I sure would.  

*** Do you think if you weren't drinking things would be different?

Nope. It's just the way I got my mind set.  Normally you put something to your mind you do it. 

*** How do you think the homeless are treated?

Not real good. I mean I ain't treated that good.  I mean if it weren't for this place I'd have no place at all. They help out with stuff you need, you know.   

*** Do you get bothered by the police much?

No not really.  The only time we really got bothered with them is when they were kicking us, all of us out.  That about the only time.  Or if you're doing something wrong.  

*** Do you ever get robbed or gotten attacked?

No I don't worry too much with that.  I don't play games.  What's mine is mine.  We all watch out for each other.  It's a little community type.  But other than that.... 

*** Is there anything you would like to tell people?

Not really.  Just tell them to keep what they got. If you got a house, keep it.  You know, don't overdo it.  If you're doin drugs, quit.  Go to church.   If your homeless, come up here.  

 (A few weeks after this interview Fred has himself committed to a mental hospital for 72 hour observation because of his alcohol addition. He struggles every day, however, he knows who to turn to for help.)

The Homeless Interviews #7

Today we are back to Scott, the director.  Did you know that Jesus was homeless?  Luke 9:58 "Jesus replied, Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."

*** What is the one thing a typical homeless person wants, and you said socks and underwear.

Socks and underwear.  You mean I tell you what, if that was all we did I think they would be happy, not now because of all the other stuff we do.

*** Do they want to know Jesus?

Many of them do.  Some of them are very angry at God.  Some of them were brought up in Christian homes that were over zealous and beat on them with the Bible.  Used it very improperly, misquoted it, manipulated them with it.  And so we are trying to build that trust. We’ve got people who get upset with us because they do not see us all carrying around Bibles, sitting down with scriptures all day,  trying to get them to understand that look, they do not want to know how much you know until they see how much you care.  Okay, so we have taken a very different approach to it. Believe me, hang around here enough you are going to hear God all the time in this place. We are starting a new program using the Recovery Bible.  We are setting up a recovery group right here that meets on Tuesdays for those people who will not go into a program but it is like AA except for the fact that instead of a ‘higher power’ we tell them about Jesus Christ.  We do not soften the edges of it.

*** Do you find that once they find Jesus they think their life will become normal?

No, becuase the first thing we tell them is, I cannot tell you if you are ever getting out of the woods and I will personally take someone to the woodshed who tells them otherwise.  It is real important to say to them, look, I do not know why God has allowed this. I am one who believes God has ordained or allowed everything.  So if he has allowed it all I can see is step back and ask what is he trying to get us to learn?  How is He using this.  This has been true throughout biblical times so why should that change now?  Why would God ask me to walk away from a 6-figure income after I had been homeless?  I have been at both ends and because he wanted me to know both.

*** So why do those volunteers come who want nothing to do with the homeless?

Guilt.  I think often, guilt.  The other is, most are people who do not have much themselves, on the verge of homelessness themselves.  They really get it.  They understand they are a couple of paychecks away. 

***They want to help but they do not want to have anything to do with the actual person?

Well, no they do.  I’m saying there are 2 different groups.  There are those that want nothing to do with homelessness but all of a sudden it is like ‘oh my gosh’ these are just real people with various strugges, but real people.  They are really just a reflection of society.  It drives me crazy when the news says a homeless guy killed somebody.  If he was stockbrocker would you say a stockbrocker killed somebody?  No.  No, he did not kill somebody because he is homeless.  He killed somebody because he is a murderer who happened to live in the woods.  that just makes me crazy.  So we’ve got the people who you know have a preconcieved idea, a lot of preconcieved ideas and then you have people who are just so close themselves.  They have had illness in their family, they have lost jobs, they have seen careers go down the toilet.  They have seen all of these things and so I think they are drawn to be a part of the change. If you came in here and see them you go, okay, alright, yeah, I know they are struggling.  Those are also the people that are our money people, too.  The people who give the most have the least.  It is crazy. It is absolutely crazy. I mean we have had some fairly substantial donations.  Our largest two donators, one owns 4 McDonalds and the other is homeless.  Is this a crazy world we live in?  They both gave us 5,000$. 

***Tell me the most encouraging story about a specific person.

Probably someone like Kevin C.  KC is a war veteran, decorated soldier who could not deal with the world when he came out of it.  He basically just became...he did drugs and alcohol, but alcohol became his thing.  He basically stayed pretty fickle for abut 40 years.  We just loved on him.  He was mean and nasty and gruff.  He was an SOB most of the time.  You know, you sit there and part of you just says, why am I even bothering. As we got to know him and he got to know us and we got to know his story the door opened and God just opened some really neat doors to minister to him and then Frank G. Frank is here every Tuesday now from about 1 to 4 and Frankie has a street ministry and Matthew’s Hope gave him a chance to touch these people at least twice a week every Tuesday and every Saturday night.  He is a former alcholic and drug addict and he is not afraid to go anywhere. He is a lot like I am. God placed Frankie here at a critical time because I could not stretch any further.  Frankie came to me and I kind of knew him. I had spoken at a men’s recovery group a couple of years earlier, he remembered me and he contacted me and he just wanted to come and I kind of pushed him off a little bit.  I said Frankie I want you see what we are doing first.  So he came out, he and his wife, Cindy, she is former marine, former alcoholic as well.  They are a mess. They are in the process of loosing their own home.  He has been very instrumental in helping getting a place with various programs and he kind of took Kevin under his wing, took it a step further and Kevin, he had veteran’s benefits.  We were able to help him to get those and get him into a veteran’s program and he is clean now and now he fell off this last week.  100 days and he fell off.  He was so ashamed, but you know what, that’s what happens.  He made it 100 days.  So you got to kind of look at it that way and if you meet him he looks nothing like he did when he started.  He could barely walk.  Even well after he quit drinking because his system was so screwed up his equilibrium was like all over the place and we had a hard time because of the weakness of his body to get him in various programs.  We finally got him into a VA program and now he is getting ready to go into his next step which I think will be another program, disability.  He is living in an RV and he’s got his retirement and he came by here the other day and helped build a desk.  In fact he stuck his number inside my desk and he said, you know, anytime you need me just call and so we have had some really neat success stories and there are more and but those are some of the coolest. Every week there is a different cool one and it is different levels and now I have even seen some children and women.

*Most discouraging?

One of the most discouraging stories is Diane.  Diane was a crack head when we got ahold of her and we got her clean and got her working at McD’s helped her to get a little RV she was renting.  Got her away from her homeless husband, not real husband.  Got all of her teeth pulled.  Her teeth were just rotten from the meth, got her medical and dental care.  Got her all cleaned up.  Got her a new set of dentures. She realized she really needed to get out of the area to take her life to the next level and so she had a way to go to I think N.C.  Got hold of a McD up there, she said I’m a current employee, they would hire her before she ever came up so at least had her job.  She gets up there and lasts a month and she shows up back here with the guy again. When she came back we did not fall all over her.  We did it on purpose.  We would do it again but they have to make that decision.  Much like any other alcholic, drug addict, whatever you are dealing with.  Homelessness is almost an addiction, it really is in a weird way. Some of this is real heartbreaking, and then when she was leaving she bit the hands off a lot of people that helped her and even the hands of people here. It was hurtful but it was one of those things that there were people who would say, you know, what the hell.  I understand why and what we need to do is say, okay God, this is... once again we need to trust in God’s timing and purpose.